My First Post...

Am I really doing this!? My first post! What do I say and where do I start? Will any one actually give a rip about my life or what is going on in my little bubble? I am painfully scared (and yet exhilarated!) that I am attempting something so outside my box.

I am no stranger to putting my thoughts, fears, joys, struggles down on paper. My first journal was started in 3rd grade and most entries went along the line of, "He is so fine!" or, "I hate him. He is a jerk. He did not call me." Or, "Leanna gets all the attention from the boys cause she is skinny and pretty and I am not....", (Leanna being my older sister by 6 years). Yes, many a journal is filled with page after selfish page full of situations dealing with boys, my pursuit of beauty and popularity....probably around 18 of them. TOTALLY and hilariously stupid and shallow drama. Typical teenage stuff. But oh, the comfort that pen and paper brought to me! To pour out my bleeding guts. Exposing a totally humiliating experience.  To have the rare freedom to be so full of myself that I actually write (and meant it at the time), "I looked SO HOT  today...I am so pretty," and in the next entry write, "My life is over...I am a stupid fat cow."  I know I was not the only temperamental, shallow, emotionally unstable teenager out there. Right? Hellooooo?? You out there????? Ahem.

So, around journal 20 maybe (16 years old, there about), even though I had put my faith in the work Jesus had done on the cross and His substitutionary death that paid the penalty for my sin so that I could have peace with God in Christ and know Him personally, God finally grabbed me by my gossip loving ears and gave me a good holy shake that left my head spinning! It was time to start living for Him and obeying Him. Time to grow up. Take up my cross and follow Him come Hell or high water.  I understood the Lordship of God in my daily choices and I had my burning bush moment. I calculated the cost. I have paid a high cost for following Him. I would do it all over again and count it grace and mercy He would let me love and serve Him. I was never to be the same.

That is when my choice of vocabulary, subject matter, and life in general changed. And all those journals (Am I at #30 or more? I stopped numbering them) since that time are filled with a pursuit of God and learning to obey Him in my daily choices. There's ALOT of joy that is recorded in these journals...and ALOT more pain and stupid mistakes or selfishness masquerading as something good and thoughtful. Didn't even see the motives of heart before but now all things became clear! My purpose, my design, my whole reason for existence! My significance and worth was apart from my performance and other's opinions of me-- it was all in and through and for and about Christ! Free at last!!

"If any man be IN CHRIST he is a new creation! The old has gone, behold! 

                  All things have become new!" 2 Corinthians 5:17. 

Never once has God stop shaping and molding me through my circumstances, mistakes, and areas of victory. In those journals I found and continue to find no critical ear or disguised expression of "what the crap is she talking about?",  as I pour out my guts. Total acceptance. I could write and make since of what was happening in me and around me and I found...HEALING...as I wrote!

I also discovered that I communicate SO MUCH MORE articulately (due to the above factors)  and form my thoughts easier, than when I speak...or try. I sound so much more intelligent in writing than I do in person! Bahaha I feel like Moses did. I do not like speaking to people about things God has shown me... it is scary and risky. So vulnerable! And words escape me and get boggled up and I sound idiotic when I speak out loud on the spot when I can't formulate what and how I want to say something. I love words!  When I write, I feel much like a fish does in water or like a cowboy feels when he puts on his favorite cowboy hat. It just suits me well and feels natural. Safe. But...

Blogging is anything but safe. Right now for me, it is down right bone chilling, scary, totally vulnerable, and ...is NOT Journaling.

So, my intentions with blogging is simply to record my life using a new medium. To somehow organize my goings on with the Hubbs, my 4 Gremlins (sometimes referred to as The Children of The Corn), what I am learning about myself and the Lord, my hobbies I am doing, and the truth I am pursuing in the "Cup and Portion" assigned to me by my loving Savior- He is my cup and portion and in HIM I am secure... I am learning more and more about this verse and it's meanings and applications to my particular situations and life. More about that in my next post. 

SO I give shout out to my tall, thin, funny Norwegian Bestie. She is my faithful, transgression covering friend who continues to see the good and best in me and tells me so weekly- KRISTINA FLEMING. She has encouraged me to start writing this blog. Apparently, this girl thinks I have a pretty crazy life and thinks that others just might find what I have to say as educational or entertaining at best. She thinks what I have to say is worthwhile. I know I will at least have an audience of three. God, my encouraging husband and YOU, K.

DISCLAIMER: READ BEFORE ADVANCING

I hope you will realize that I am just as quirky and messed up as you are. I need mercy and grace just like you do. So be kind if you decide to peek into my life. Don't be to critical of what you read, please. I am learning as I go. And if you are one to get easily offended, hurt,or get defensive if what my convictions are disagree with you....just know that I love the Lord, I love you, I seek truth in all areas of life and I am never intending to offend anyone for the sake of argument. I would hope you are secure enough to give me the freedom and respect to hold my own views and see life as I see it. I will give you the freedom to do the same. In fact, our differences are the very thing that intrigues me, challenges me in my faith, sharpens me and that I appreciate about you! I am sharing MY thoughts, MY views, and MY life as I see it through the new eyes God gave me. But I love to share views and different perspectives...no fear in that..so please feel free to comment kindly and share your thoughts.

Why "My Cup and My Portion" ?

Wanna know why I named my blog, "My Cup and Portion"? Let me tell you the story behind it. But first, I want you to know I am not a deep, super spiritual kind of gal. I love Jesus and seek to follow Him as the scriptures show me to as the pattern of my life. I am pretty simple and down to earth.  I am just like you...I squeeze into my too tight jeans one leg at a frustrating time just like the next person. But this day was a great day.

It was a "God Moment". You know, when my eyes are open for a moment in time to actually see the obvious interaction that God has with me. How is it that He loves the whole world and yet it seems I am the only one He knows? He's so personal. Admittedly, I miss most of these moments normally because I am too preoccupied with dirty diapers and the duty to answer the call of, "Mom!!! Will you come wipe my bottom?!" and other glorious callings that keep my mind going nonstop.  So, since I actually caught this moment, I wanted to share it. 

I DO love the life God has blessed me with! I honestly, really do. The majority of the time "my cup runneth over". I have a cozy little home that endlessly supplies all my needs to have some project going on at any given time. I was given a wonderfully loving and patient husband who loves me despite my quirky self. I have a quiver full of four uniquely crafted arrows that are anything but dull, and some amazing family and friends. However, there are those times when my cup appears to be disappointingly bitter...oh, and don't forget all those "blah's" in between the beautiful and bitter. 

I know that I am probably the only woman who questions why certain things turn out the way they have. Or why my life is not like theirs. Why don't I have one of those? Why is my life not as exciting as theirs? I thought things would be...different. I thought I would be different. I thought he would be different. I am disappointed with me, them, him, her and it! Wrestling with discontentment in some aspect of my circumstances or relationships. Not all the time, of course, but periodically.

OH! How about this: Unhappy with the lack of growth in myself as a wife, mother, friend, daughter, cook, gardener, painter, teacher, author, leader, speaker, astronaut...the high expectations I put on myself and others that if met would THEN make me happy. Guilt that I am not "more". Like my significance is based on my performance or something.  Do you ever secretly think or feel like this? Am I really the only one? Please tell me I am not. I feel vulnerable admitting it out loud. After all, it is so unspiritual and ungodly to think and feel such things!  As if God don't know my thoughts anyway. As if He does not know your thoughts this second.

I have been struggling with this topic for the whole of two years. It has been a couple of the hardest years of my adult life. (But I have sneaky suspicion, that I will value these years SO much when this season is past). Anything that could go wrong, has. In just about every area of my life, too. Despite our new baby....God knew I needed me some Mercy.

I recently heard my favorite mentor, Elisabeth Elliot, explain Psalms 16:5 in an interview on the gift if singleness, something that did not really relate to me at all...or so I thought. My Jesus knew I needed a word of truth concerning this storm brewing in my heart. He knew I was questioning Him and what His will was for my life, His sovereignty vs. My own choices made....and the mess I saw my life as. (I know, stupid!) But God wanted ME to learn this truth. Maybe you need to know the same thing. Maybe you will in a year or two. 

It was an interview Elisabeth Elliot gave about the gift of singleness- recorded in 1996! An hour earlier I was pretty much begging God to give me an answer to my discontent and confusion! I could NOT put into words my thoughts and emotions as I can now. I just new I was miserable to be around and I did not like myself or who I was becoming by my negative perspective and grumbling attitude. NO JOY! But God, through Elisabeth Elliot, explained clearly how my heart and mind did not see HIS heart and mind concerning my life. 

"You have assigned me my portion and my cup. God has made my lot secure" Psalms 16:5 

Elisabeth Elliot explained that each of us has been given a particular cup, just like a tea cup, that is of different size, proportion and color even. Our cup has just so much time, talent, ability. It is our portion assigned TO us BY GOD. It is a gift. We should see it a gift no matter what our particular cup looks like at any given time and season of our lives. And use it as a gift, not waist it by complaining about it. He is enough through it all because He is our inheritance....HIMSELF. He is enough to cling to, to rest in, and to bring us joy...to make it through. Or should be. But is Jesus enough for me when my cup is not what I expected? Not lately. Ouch! 

How many times did I want another cup, complain about the size or content of the cup God has assigned to me? She went on to explain that it is Gods will for us to be conformed to His image (and give Him glory) by our cup. It was given to us for a reason! Marcie, stop trying to figure out why! Quit being gloomy and discontent with my circumstances! Find my joy in my fellowship with HIM, not in the pursuit of the American dream that if I do what God wants, everything will be given to me that I think will make me happy--even good godly things!  The great marriage, the healthy body, the big house and new car, each child their own personal room, land with chickens so my kids can ...on and on my dreams go! 

Do have hidden dreams in your heart that you think would make you happy if only... this or that? What are they? What if you NEVER have them? What if they are never fulfilled? Is God enough? Is your attitude, "Lord, take this cup from me, but IF it is your will, I will bear it and glorify you with it. You are enough. You are my joy. If nothing ever changes. You're enough,"? 


But God loves me enough to give me the life I NEED not the one I think I want. He allows my circumstances and they are at work to conform me to His image. I must accept my cup as a gift from God. It is hard, yes. 

Elisabeth Elliot had to learn this, and humbly accept the cup God assigned her when her missionary husband of 18 months was martyred by heathen savages in the middle of the jungle, leaving her a widow and leaving their brand new baby, fatherless. God instantly brought this scripture to her memory when she got the call that they found Jim Elliot brutally murdered, with spears through him laying face down in a jungle stream. This was the cup God assigned to her. AND she was secure in Him.

I know she squalled her guts out. Lord knows I would be a raving lunatic for a few days. She was broken and beyond anything words could describe. But she chose to trust her Maker and accept her cup. She and her daughter went and lived among the same tribe and loved the exact people who murdered her husband and shared the love and forgiveness that Jesus Christ offers. How could she do this? She simply accepted her cup and obeyed. It was assigned to her for His glory, not her personal fulfillment. Ouch, again. 

This tribe of murderers now knows the grace and mercy and forgiveness of Christ because she accepted the Cup God assigned to her. Her cup had given her the opportunity to give God glory inspire of the pain it caused her personally. She chose to trust her Lord and go forward in serving Him. She did not get mad at God and disdain her life...waisting her days wishing for a different cup. She accepted it as a gift and God used her response to her bitter cup... Amazing! You can read all about Elisabeth and Jim Elliot in the books Passion and Purity, Through Gates of Splendor, The Savage My Kinsman, These Strange Ashes, and The Shadow of The Almighty. She writes many many books on all topics that I need to reread again.

My new life verse in this season of a life when I am a happy wife and mother who is tired, busy, sleepless that home schools our four little bundles of limitless energy and noise....is Psalms 15:6. So This is why I chose to name my blog "My cup and Portion". Because it is almost a daily struggle to rest in the reality, that I am NOT in control of my circumstances, but that my Savior and Sovereign God is. I will choose to accept my cup and portion no matter if it is running over with joy or seems not quite what I had in mind. My life is not about my personal fulfillment, but learning to accept His will for my life as it is! He is enough! Have I learned this? Nope. Not at all. But I am now aware of this lesson I have to learn. 

Either I believe that He has assigned me my present cup and portion, or He did not. O that I may learn to be joyfully content in whatever cup and portion He has seen fit to assign me. Oh, that I may mature to the point of seeing the most BITTER cup as a "gift".AND GLORIFY HIM ANYWAY.